The art of saying ‘no.’

Reason

It usually starts out quite innocently: a demanding sentence here, a crude joke there. There is nothing fun about that one controlling person and their bossiness over you.

’Control’ is defined as the act of exerting influence over another person’s behaviours, thoughts, and/or actions. Bossy people who display this need to force control on others are often stuck in a cycle of control, having been a victim themselves in the past. When left unchecked, they can mentally and emotionally damage their relationships with others over time.

Rationale

Why do some people feel the need to be bossy?

• Control begets control: children who have been raised by controlling parents themselves often inculcate a need for control throughout their lives.

• Lower self esteem and damaging experiences such as inattention, lack of self-worth, or a negative atmosphere surrounding the self.

• Insecurities are sometimes compensated through excessive doses of aggressive, dominant behaviour towards others.

Signs of a controlling person

• They are assertive, aggressive, confident, and captivating.

• They are regarded as possessing high self-esteem by others.

• They are considered to have formidable social skills.

• They are demanding and often rude in an attempt to get specific outcomes from others.

How do I get someone to stop bossing me around?

• Saying “no”, or “not now”, when a bossy person is being demanding.

• Don’t apologise: refuse by being firm but courteous to diffuse a tense situation. With this, you’re showing the other person that you are talking to them with the same authority they are projecting.

• Be outright but objective and calm while acknowledging their disrespect to your autonomy. Standing up for yourself in this way will help the controlling person realise their authoritative projection isn’t working anymore.

Role Play

1) Control is asserted when a person:

• a person is declared to be directly in charge of all your life decisions.

• you both are in an argument and they win.

• physically and mentally owns you and your belongings.

• exerts influence over another person’s behaviours, thoughts, and/or actions.

2) A person is being controlling when they display:

• the need to be involved in every aspect of your life.

• confident, aggressive, demanding and formidable social behaviour while stating their needs.

• frustration at not being the best at everything they do.

• the need for validation from you for all their actions.

3) How do you refuse the demands of a bossy person?

• stand up for yourself and be demanding in return.

• create a confrontation in a public setting to humiliate them.

• disagreeing with objectivity and a lack of apologies to show them the same authority they are projecting.

• threaten to complain about them every time they act bossy.

Learning of the Day

No matter how much control they exert over others, one thing is certain: those who enjoy bossing people around do so as a means of prevention against the fear of losing control within themselves.

Remember, bossy people don't have to make you operate in dread any longer. You are capable of regaining control and thriving in a functional and emotionally freeing environment.